Dear Chairman Vance,
You are to be congratulated for picking Will Baker as the Republican candidate for state auditor. Sure. there will be those who will criticize you for choosing a former exotic dancer who has been arrested 19 times, but they don't understand how valuable a state auditor with such experience could be.
As the founder of the Washington State Citizens' Morality Patrol, I spend a lot of time in clubs watching exotic dancers. I know the hold they can put over a man's mind. I might be in a club to document the crime of an exposed "little soldier," but once that dancing cowboy, cop, or construction worker starts working his bulge in front of my face, I can't help but introduce his Private Johnson to the Washingtons, Lincolns, and Jeffersons in my wallet. Their gyrating packages seize a man's mind, entrancing him until he feels like screaming, "Cuff me Dano, and don't be shy about using the nightstick." It's an evil hypnotism they practice, one that even a good, God-fearing, 110 percent heterosexual, Christian man like myself can't resist.
A state auditor with such experience would be an awesome defender of the public trust. I pity the poor fiscal technician who dares try to resist the power of the Auditor's package when asked to account for a missing A-24 printing invoice. He won't have a chance, the bulge's mojo is too great.
Keep up the good work. I'm sure that your counterpart in Illinois is envious of your ability to find such a fine candidate without having to recruit out of state.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.