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Sunday, August 08, 2004

Exotic dancers make great Republican candidates

Dear Chairman Vance,

You are to be congratulated for picking Will Baker as the Republican candidate for state auditor. Sure. there will be those who will criticize you for choosing a former exotic dancer who has been arrested 19 times, but they don't understand how valuable a state auditor with such experience could be.

As the founder of the Washington State Citizens' Morality Patrol, I spend a lot of time in clubs watching exotic dancers. I know the hold they can put over a man's mind. I might be in a club to document the crime of an exposed "little soldier," but once that dancing cowboy, cop, or construction worker starts working his bulge in front of my face, I can't help but introduce his Private Johnson to the Washingtons, Lincolns, and Jeffersons in my wallet. Their gyrating packages seize a man's mind, entrancing him until he feels like screaming, "Cuff me Dano, and don't be shy about using the nightstick." It's an evil hypnotism they practice, one that even a good, God-fearing, 110 percent heterosexual, Christian man like myself can't resist.

A state auditor with such experience would be an awesome defender of the public trust. I pity the poor fiscal technician who dares try to resist the power of the Auditor's package when asked to account for a missing A-24 printing invoice. He won't have a chance, the bulge's mojo is too great.

Keep up the good work. I'm sure that your counterpart in Illinois is envious of your ability to find such a fine candidate without having to recruit out of state.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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