Louisiana Baby Food

The Washington Post informs me that there's a method of child discipline I've managed to miss thus far. I had thought that Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo were the last word in suffering the little children. Their parenting manual Babywise makes the discipline methods of John Rosemond, who advocates six-hour in-room confinements to sassy preschoolers, look like a Waldorf School.

No, the effective parent in touch with her Southern cultural values uses hot sauce as discipline, and a Good Christian Woman will see the benefits in "teaching respect." The makers of Tabasco Sauce, via company president Paul McIlhenny, want nothing to do with this development, calling it "strange and scary." A child therapist from Boston, who is probably French, said using this product for behavior correction could harm a child's esophagus. Well, what's an internal organ or two when the little monster's soul is at stake? Just ask Lisa Whelchel, born-again mother despite a sordid past in Hollywood.

"For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I 'spank' my kids' tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child's tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It's the memory that lingers!)"

Heretic Tim Kimmel makes the extraordinary claim that hot tongue is un-Christian because "The tongue doesn't do the lying, the heart does the lying. When you direct a form of discipline to a body part that created the problem, it's like in [other cultures] when they cut off your hand for stealing." Kimmel is clearly in the wrong: negating Proverbs 10:31, as well as comparing The One True Religion to Muslimianity.

This fine food maker should see hot sauce discipline as an opening to a whole new product line. Talk about firing up the base! A high-capsaicin condiment coupled with the rod you shouldn't spare will ensure no back talk, no esophagus, no perverse tongue, and no behind left.

Thanks to editoress for a great catch.

Update, August 25th: ABC news on this topic yesterday quotes Whelchel:

It's totally against popular opinion in culture these days. I prefer my child receive a small amount of pain from my hand of love than to encounter a lot more pain in life.

Now that does it. Whelchel is actually The General in drag!