Puppetry of the apocalypse

Arlene Sawicki
Citizens for Community Values

Dear Mrs. Sawicki,

I was sorry to hear that the Chicago Police Department refused your request to shut down the Puppetry of the Penis show at the Lakeshore Theater. The people of Chicago should be ashamed to live in a city where men are allowed to bend their obviously artificially enhanced little soldiers into amusing shapes.

It's a sin for a man to display his manhood in public like that. There might be women and homosexuals sitting in the audience. Such a show will no doubt lead to an orgy of unspeakable acts in the theater aisles as the audience's libido collectively kicks in. It will be a sea of sweaty, grunting flesh, a pulsating mass of arms, legs, and fluids, shifting shapes continuously as Satan sits in the balcony strumming his ukelele of spiritual destruction. Chicago will never be the same again.

This kind of theater should not appear on the stage. It belongs in the bedroom or locker room where it can be performed for one's wife or a few close heterosexual male friends. Sure, I've painted my little soldier to look like Spartacus for laughs with the men in my unit. It helps us unwind after a hard weekend of training with paintballs and Pabst. There's nothing sexual about it--even the part were we wrestle our gladiator puppets is nothing more than just clean old fashioned heterosexual fun. That's the way it should be. Unfortunately, I think the audience at the Lakeshore will experience something different.

Keep up the good fight.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot