Malkin for Senate

Dear Mrs. Malkin,

The soldiers of the internet are standing at attention next to their computers as I write this. They've donned they're best briefs and raised their Cheeto-stained fingers to their foreheads in salute to honor you for your post advocating digital vigilantism.

It does not matter that the act you celebrate may have denied our intelligence professionals an important source of information about Al Qaeda--the means these terrorist use to send coded communications to their agents around the globe. The important thing is that regular people like us were able to fight in the war without actually having to leave our basements. Sure, it was an uncoordinated action, one that might have harmed our strategic intelligence effort, but as such, it was in keeping with our overall national security policy. Besides, it felt damn good, didn't it.

Your eagerness in celebrating the loss of this intelligence source prompted me to think that you'd make a fine senator. After all, respected Republican senators like Orrin Hatch and Richard Shelby have also betrayed important intelligence methods to the enemy. It does not matter that Al Qaeda changed their communications strategy after Hatch announced that we were listening to their cell phones and Shelby leaked the contents of phone intercepts. The senators did it to further the Republican Party's political aims. That's a part of the war that is just as important as ensuring Halliburton's funding.

Like Hatch and Shelby, you seem to have what it takes to be a Republican senator. Fortunately, there may be another opening for a Senate candidate in Illinois. Last week, I wrote the people responsible for recruiting Alan Keyes and asked them to reverse that terrible mistake by convincing Keyes to leave the race. You should throw your hat into the ring once that happens.

If a job in the administration is more to your liking, you could prove your worth by betraying a CIA agent.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note: Letter corrected--Sessions changed to Shelby. They're both good men, and I'm sure Sessions can leak intelligence as well as any other Republican senator. The change was made after the email was sent.

Elsewhere: Captain Salty documents another brave action inspired by Mrs. Malkin's post.