Platform Diving

As another great leader found, bread and circuses distract the rabble from their problems, so the Olympics were scheduled to run up to the Coronation without overshadowing it. The 2004 games have returned to their birthplace in Athens where medalists are crowned with laurels, yet kept all those dadaist French events created by drunken IOC members from the equatorial regions. Like synchronized diving; that's a sport? Take it to Circus Maximus and bring back a real challenge such as underwater knife fighting in a shark tank.

Also on the 33 foot platform (no UN wussy measurement here, no SIR!) are the agitators attempting to rewrite the successful 2000 GOP mission statement. The treasonous (or at least heretical) language they wish to poison our Holy Writ with:

We recognize and respect that Republicans of good faith may not agree with all the planks in the party's platform. This is particularly the case with regard to those planks dealing with abortion, family planning, and gay and lesbian issues. The Republican Party welcomes all people on all sides of these complex issues and encourages their active participation as we work together on those issues upon which we agree.

Of course, Our Leader will brook no disagreement. Admitting treasonous collusion are the Log Cabin Republicans (which I'll discuss below) and Republicans for Choice. Republicans for Choice? That makes about as much sense as Evangelicals for Darwin, or Crusader Imams. Look, you Brie-eating RINOs, we are a God-fearing, pro-life party. That means those of us with corporate jets can fly to Blue states (or warm vacation spots) for abortions, and those without means or motivation don't deserve the opportunity. How RINOs for Choice managed to enroll 150,000 members is a puzzlement. Perhaps they're former Enron workers who miss the company jets. With a chairwoman named Ann Stone, this group appears to be a front for excessively manly women who won't change their last names.


Next, the Log Cabin Republicans. The first warning is that they still haven't endorsed Our Leader, and are deferring their decision until after the Coronation. If that isn't a herd of RINOs, then I'll eat my cloche. I've done extensive research, and I believe they are even worse: pointy-headed intellectual RINOs. I believe the "Log Cabin" is not a reference to Honest Abe at all, but a mathematical joke about a houseboat. I had a graduate student of mathematics explain it, but it was way too complicated and not particularly funny (as no minority groups were involved) so I'll skip the handwaving: these Chateaux Logarithmiques are not Friends of W. Also, I've repeatedly asked them to introduce me to their wives so we can lunch, and they often seem somewhat embarrassed. Maybe the little Log Cabin women are also math geeks and prefer slide rules to salads. Come to think of it, Mary Cheney doesn't show at luncheons, either. Do you think she's got a math degree or one of the hard sciences?

A "Big Tent Party" will be held in Blue York City on August 29th, featuring pretend Republican Michael Bloomberg, and will honor the "inclusive" governors of states that voted against Our Leader. Now at Yale, big tent parties usually featured kegs of beer and geezers talking about how much better things were in the good old days. Loyalty Enforcement Agents will be on hand to ensure there's no talk about supporting McCain, pining for Nelson Rockefeller, or encouraging anyone to dump President Cheney.