Timing is everything

Dear Sec. Ridge,

Although we've never really met, you might remember me as one of the men you assigned to fly the flag on Flag Day. I'm proud to say that I heeded your call to service and proudly flew Old Glory all day long without regard to my own safety.

Those who've never conducted a mission for the Department of Homeland Security will never know how it changes a man. Once your body has come alive with the electric, adrenaline fueled thrill that accompanies such a mission, you'll never be the same again. You'll want to do more, and you'll be miserable until you get an opportunity to do so.

That's how I felt as I awaited your next call. That is until today, when I read that the intelligence you used to trigger Sunday's threat alert was four years old. Upon learning this, I realized that I possessed old intelligence that just might save this country. I'm back in the game!

A few years back, I heard that a Russian man boasted that he would bury capitalism, and by extension, the United States. It was the guy who was always drinking Pepsi with Nixon--Khrushchev, that's his name. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I was at the equipment rental store in Puyallup and there was a Russian sounding guy there who was trying to rent a backhoe. I'm willing to raid the place if you give me an OK. Or perhaps you'd rather I wait until the day the Plame indictments are announced. It's your call.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot