Seconding the Zellot

Senator Zell Miller
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Miller,

Your angry tirades at the convention and later on MSNBC and CNN were just the tonic this country needs. For far too long, the American male has been emasculated by a feminized society that punishes a man for expressing his natural desire to commit violent acts. You slapped these modern conventions of manliness in the face when you proudly stated that you wished to duel with Chris Matthews. It was a bold statement for these times, but one that needed to be made so that society might again take up the cloak of 18th century morality.

Because of you, I can go out tonight and without remorse, beat a man sensless for suggesting that my politics lack imagination, and, like you, I can threaten to take his life if he suggests that my rhetoric might be disingenuous. That is your gift to me and the men of America.

I would be honored to serve as your second should the duel with Mathews take place. Perhaps we could even enter the dueling green together wearing nothing but our own skins in tribute to the ancient warriors of Sparta and all of the men of war who followed them. Nothing would make me happier than to be afforded the opportunity to hold your blunderbus as you eagerly tamp its load. Even now as I think about the prospect of such manly combat, I feel the tingling excitement Aaron Burr must have felt in his loins as he grabbed up his gauntlent to demand satisfaction from a political rival. I'm sure you feel it too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot