Is that a broadsword in your hands or are you just glad to see me?

Pastor Rod Parsley
World Harvest Church

Dear Pastor Rod,

I was surfing the internet looking for new ways to persecute sodomites when I came across an article about your work on the Ohio Homosexual Discrimination Initiative. Mighty impressive. Do you have any plans for after the election? Are you considering working with your colleague, Phil Burress, on his plans to pass a capital punishment statute for sodomy?

I'm impressed by your use of a broadsword as a symbol for your work. It's a powerful Christian symbol. There's nothing that says "old fashioned Christian justice" quite like a bloody broadsword.

I don't think I've ever seen a sword quite that big before. There's something about it that excites me. Do you ever grab it manfully by its hard round hilt and thrust its long, hard, tapered shaft deep, deep inside a melon (or some other object representing those who offend God), pulling it back out a bit and then thrusting it again over and over until you collapse in exhausted heap, glowing with the satisfaction of the physically spent?

That's how I feel when I shoot my handgun, a .50 cal Desert Eagle with a 14 inch barrel. There's just something about a big, long, powerful weapon that gets a man's blood coursing. We can't help it. God made us that way.

The Good Book doesn't really mention it, but I bet Jesus used a huge stick to clear the temple of money changers. I like to think that's the kind guy He was, a man like Sheriff Buford Pusser in the movie Walking Tall or perhaps more accurately, like the late governor of Georgia, Lester Maddox, who was always willing to swing an axe handle in defense of White Christian values.

Surely, the temple incident wasn't the only time Our Lord swung his terrible staff in righteous anger. I bet he kicked pagan butt from Bethlehem to Jerusalem on a regular basis. We just don't know about it because the bleeding heart faction in the Church pulled those parts out of the Bible so that they could push their vision of a weak, compassionate Savior.

It fills my heart with joy to see that you and others are resurrecting the more violent aspects of our Christian heritage. Let us return to being the Church of the lion rather than the lamb. It's the only way to keep the sinners in line.

Heterosexually yours,

Gem. JC Christian, patriot