Thou Shalt Not Mock My Holy Sword of Anointing.

Pastor Rod Parsley
World Harvest Church

Dear Pastor Parsley,

It looks like that peace-loving compassion freak, Pastor Dan of Street Prophets, is calling you out. Not only did he refer to you and Heath Schuler as "authoritarians," "chickenshits," and keepers of "shaved apes," he also questioned the authenticity of your "sword of anointing" and challenged you to crawl out of your hole and face him like a man:

Anytime somebody like Rod Parsley - whose ordination consists of allegedly having a "sword of anointing" passed on from another revivalist, who lives in sumptuous wealth, whose family all seems to live in sumptuous wealth, who has been sued multiple times and had to settle lawsuits against his own father and teachers at his church, who lives in the pocket of war-mongers and free-market dogmatists, who wants to establish a theocratic government - anytime Rod Parsley wants to compare notes with me on what the penniless itinerant preacher and Prince of Peace Jesus Christ had to say on abortion, I'd be happy to consult with him. Until that time, he can stick his definition of orthodoxy where the sun don't shine.

You can't let him get away with that, especially the part where he mocks your "sword of anointing. I mean, my God, HE MOCKED YOUR "SWORD OF ANOINTING!" Think about that for a moment. He took the most cherished symbol of your ecclesiastical power--a long, thin rigid shaft of hardened steel, a carefully crafted thrusting instrument of righteous penetration--and held it up to ridicule and mockery.

You're going to have to gather up all the courage you can and face him--or at least jump him. Yeah, jump him, that'd be better. Enlist Heath Schuler's help. Yeah, get Schuler and hide out in the bushes next to Schultz's church, and jump him when he comes out. Have Schuler hold him while you pull his pants down and spank his firm bare ass with the flat part of the sword until he cries like Lou Dobbs at a Cinco de Mayo party. 

Then force him to watch as Heath spanks your soft quivering ass and does things, dirty but gloriously wonderful things, with the sword's hard, rigid, "Hilt of Hidden Exaltation." Make Heath work that hilt like Pharaoh worked the the people of Moses. Yeah, ooooooh yeah. Then taunt him by slowly shaving Heath's ape as you play Edith Piaf songs in the background. Oh man,yeah, like that...oooooooh yeah...errrr...uh...yes...uhhh. then, uhhh, look over at Pastor Dan and share a few moments of uncomfortable silence with him before punching him in the shoulder and offering him a bag of pork rinds. Yeah, pork rinds...and beef jerky.

That'll teach him.

Heterosexually yours,


Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Is that a broadsword in your hands or are you just glad to see me?

Pastor Rod Parsley
World Harvest Church

Dear Pastor Rod,

I was surfing the internet looking for new ways to persecute sodomites when I came across an article about your work on the Ohio Homosexual Discrimination Initiative. Mighty impressive. Do you have any plans for after the election? Are you considering working with your colleague, Phil Burress, on his plans to pass a capital punishment statute for sodomy?

I'm impressed by your use of a broadsword as a symbol for your work. It's a powerful Christian symbol. There's nothing that says "old fashioned Christian justice" quite like a bloody broadsword.

I don't think I've ever seen a sword quite that big before. There's something about it that excites me. Do you ever grab it manfully by its hard round hilt and thrust its long, hard, tapered shaft deep, deep inside a melon (or some other object representing those who offend God), pulling it back out a bit and then thrusting it again over and over until you collapse in exhausted heap, glowing with the satisfaction of the physically spent?

That's how I feel when I shoot my handgun, a .50 cal Desert Eagle with a 14 inch barrel. There's just something about a big, long, powerful weapon that gets a man's blood coursing. We can't help it. God made us that way.

The Good Book doesn't really mention it, but I bet Jesus used a huge stick to clear the temple of money changers. I like to think that's the kind guy He was, a man like Sheriff Buford Pusser in the movie Walking Tall or perhaps more accurately, like the late governor of Georgia, Lester Maddox, who was always willing to swing an axe handle in defense of White Christian values.

Surely, the temple incident wasn't the only time Our Lord swung his terrible staff in righteous anger. I bet he kicked pagan butt from Bethlehem to Jerusalem on a regular basis. We just don't know about it because the bleeding heart faction in the Church pulled those parts out of the Bible so that they could push their vision of a weak, compassionate Savior.

It fills my heart with joy to see that you and others are resurrecting the more violent aspects of our Christian heritage. Let us return to being the Church of the lion rather than the lamb. It's the only way to keep the sinners in line.

Heterosexually yours,

Gem. JC Christian, patriot