Cupid rides a pale horse

Jeff Blake
V. P. Sony Pictures Entertainment

Dear Mr. Blake,

It's not often that I find myself praising the entertainment industry for taking a moral stand, but your decision to ask the producers of The Merchant of Venice to digitally remove pornography from the film deserves such praise. It was a smart move on your part, a demonstration that your company understands the consequences of the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution that is now underway in this great nation.

Certainly, there will be those who will argue that a 16th century tapestry depicting frolicking cupids does not qualify as pornography. Pay no attention to them. They underestimate the power of unclothed cupids. They do not understand how the cupids' disproportionately large willies subvert the biblically ordained relationship between a husband and his wife.

We were sitting at the kitchen table with my inlaws when my wife, Ofjoshua, first saw the enclosed picture. "Oh my God," she cried, "I would give anything if JC was hung like that." Her sister, the Godless Frenchwoman from hell, replied, "Hon, you've got to get out more, that thing wouldn't satisfy anyone--JC must be some kind of freak if he can't match that little thing." I slowly rose to my feet as her husband collapsed in a fit of laughter and rebuked the women for mocking my patriarchal authority and commanded them to get on their knees and pray for forgiveness. They just laughed harder.

That's how subversive these cupid pictures are. They undermine a man's biblical authority within his own household by creating outlandish expectations about the proper size of one's little soldier.

I thank God that Sony is doing something to spare American men the same humiliation I experienced.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Reminder: Get out and vote. You can vote once every day. This competition is weighted heavily toward conservative blogs, and Jesus' General represents conservative values as well, or better, than any of it's uberconservative competition.