Polk County Commission
Dear Commissioner Johnson,
As happy as I was to hear that the Bartow First Baptist Church had secretly erected a nativity scene on county property, I was also deeply worried that the Commission would tell Joseph, Mary, Baby Jesus, and Frostinian, the Snowman from the North that there was no room at the County inn. Thank the Lord I was wrong. You stood up for Baby Jesus and said that the creche could stay.
Of course that meant that other religions could set up their own displays, and the Zoroastrians--a sect which worships an Iranian God--did just that. I'm not happy about it. The Iranians are building nukes because they hate freedom. A Zoroastrian display could serve as a recruiting point for their pagan beliefs, and before long, Polk County could become a rallying point for radical Jesus-hating fanatics. I hope your Sheriff's Department is doing everything it can to assist the FBI in infiltrating them.
I also understand that someone erected a monument to Festivus, the Seinfeld holiday, and that you're going to tear it down if no one claims it. Well, you'd better stop the bulldozers, because I'm willing to sponsor it.
I think we can turn it into a Christian celebration. Many of the elements are already there. After all, what's more Christian than accusing people of being disappointments and wrestling? Didn't the prophet, Elisha, tell the children who mocked his baldness that he was disappointed with them just before he sent she-bears to eat them? And isn't there something about wrestling in Ephesians?
You know the Ephesians were Greeks even though they lived in Turkey. I bet they wrestled in the manner of the Spartans, that is to say, naked. I'd like to begin Polk County's Festivus Celebration with a good old fashioned Ephesian-style wrestling match. I'd be honored if you'd be my opponent. How about it?
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
My thanks to James for the tip.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.