Rasslin' the red Frenchmen of Idaho

Sen. Gerry Sweet
Idaho State Senate

Dear Sen. Sweet,

I mourn for Idaho. Once a red state's red state, it has now become a haven for French-minded liberals.

As recently as just a few months ago, the Idaho Republican Party declared its loyalty to the almighty God of Abraham, Isaac, and Tom DeLay by passing the platform planks you recently quoted in the Statesman:

1. "The Idaho Republican Party recognizes that the future of this great state lies with our faith and reliance on God, our Creator, in our strong efforts to uphold family values, and in the quality of education provided for its citizens."

2. "We believe the traditional family to be the basic unit of society. Government officials and legislators are called upon to protect the traditional family and use all means possible to prevent the expansion of the definition of marriage beyond a bond between one man and one woman."

Tonight, I learned that as many as twelve Republican state senators may vote against a proposed constitutional amendment which would deny equality to homosexuals. We must do as the second plank dictates and "use all means possible" to stop them.

It'll be a tough fight, but we'll be victorious because God has blessed us with a strong, masculine, virile champion in the Senate. You are that champion, Sen. Sweet. The other Republican senators will listen to you, because they've feared your terrible wrath since the day you suggested that they kill everyone who supports abortion. Sure, some of them think that you're just plain nuts, but they fear you none the less.

You must challenge them to a contest with the prize being the Republican caucus's unanimous vote either for or against the Homosexual Discrimination Constitutional Amendment. I suggest that the contest be a Spartan-style wrestling match between you and their champion, a senator of their choice.

There is no way you can lose. As you surely know, the ancient warriors of Sparta wrestled in the nude. Although I have not actually seen you naked, I've mentally undressed you many times--the way a man comfortable in his own heterosexuality might survey another man's physical landscape, only briefly considering the majesty of the man-parts of course--and I feel like I know what every rock solid inch of you looks like. Once your opponent sees you standing there before him, oiled muscles twitching manfully with anticipation, he'll fall to his knees and submit to your will. The loss will signal the end of the red Frenchman of Idaho as a political force.

Good luck. I'm certain you can pull it off.

Heterosexually yours

Gen. JC Christian, patriot