Marshall County Alabama
Dear Sheriff Holcomb,
I'm afraid you spoke to soon when you said there are no homosexual dogs in Alabama. I think we have one right here in Guntersville.
Yesterday, when I was leaving Reeve's Feed Store, I heard the most God awful howling coming out from behind the loading dock. After listening for a moment, I realized that the yips, yelps, and howls formed a sort of melody. Indeed, it sounded as if the animal was attempting to sing the old Madonna song, Vogue.
Intrigued, I headed toward the howling and encountered a sight that I'll never forget. A large poodle was prancing around in front of an audience of eager pups. Every few steps, the poodle would stop and strike one of those fashion model poses you see in the fancy New York magazines.
Dumbstruck, I stood there and watched for a few moments until I noticed something that made me physically ill. One of the puppies started to Samba. Suddenly, it struck me. The poodle was recruiting these fine, young, Alabama puppies into his abominable lifestyle.
You need to do something about it. We don't need these outside agitators coming into our county to destroy our way of life. It may only be puppies now, but once homosexuality gets a toehold in our kennels, our farms will be next. I don't know about you, but I dread the thought of breaking up a couple of tea-bagging bulls.
I'm enclosing a picture I took of the animal. Hopefully it will aid you in your investigation.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
An earlier letter to Sheriff Holcomb
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.