Gannon, McClellan, and Eberle driving their manhood home

Rob Adonis
Ultimate Christian Wrestling

Dear Mr. Adonis,

We're approaching the date for our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo, and I'd like to reissue my invitation for you to join us. You made it clear last year that wrestling with my men was out. I won't ask you to do that again, but I think I have an idea that's even better--this time we'll leave the wrestling to the professionals.

Like last year, I'm thinking of genuine Spartan-style wrestling where true warriors grapple each other's unclothed bodies until one of them achieves a position of dominance and drives his manhood home--in a very heterosexual kind of way, mind you-- in the ultimate victory dance.

Now, I understand that your wrestlers could not engage in such an all-consuming type of battle and still work closely with each other in the future. That's why I'm going to invite the fine Christian men from the Pro Wrestling Republican Coalition to wrestle you. From what I understand, they may have experience in this type of wrestling--one of their advisors, Bobby Eberle, hired a Spartan-style wrestler, Jimmy Jeff "Bulldog" Gannon Guckert to be a White House correspondent for his Talon News Service. He might even be persuaded to bring Bulldog along to give you a few tips.

I'm also considering giving the event some star power by inviting White House Press Man-Secretary Scott McClellan. Some have suggested that he may have paid Bulldog to teach him a few holds or at least thought about it. If that's the case, he could put on quite a show for us.

Well, what do you think? Are you interested? If so, what would you charge for such an event?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to reader Jay for the McClellan tip and reader Sue for the Pro Wrestling Republican Coalition lead.