You'd like my sister

I was looking through Sean Hannity's "Hannidate" listings today and found the following entry (I've reformatted it by randomly creating paragraphs where none existed before):

I live close to Dayton, Ohio. I am a 32 single white male.

I am a smoker.

I weigh in at 170 and stand at 5'-11" Dayton has a lot of liberal women which I am tired of dating. Help me find a republican woman. Below is what kind of describes myself in a nutshell I am a mature, responsible, stable, independent adult. I live on my own. I have a job. I enjoy going to movies, walks in the park, camping, NASCAR, cuddling and intellectual conversations. I am a funny person and enjoy making people laugh.

I am a smoker.

I have good morals and values and I am of a conservative nature. I like the outdoors and nice weather. I would like to see the USA in my truck and camper and would like someone who would enjoy doing that too. I make good decisions or try to. In my spare time I enjoy working on the restoration of my truck.

I have all my teeth and brush them.

I have been told that I am a nice guy; you will have to decide for yourself. I am not looking for ?just friends?. If I was, I would go to my buddy?s house and hang out there and drink beer. What I am looking for: I am looking for these types of qualities in a woman. A mature, responsible, stable, independent adult. This person must have a strong heart, mind and soul. This person must have a level head on their shoulders and can make good decisions. Must be a good communicator. I enjoy conversation. A person with good morals and values. Someone who has goals and dreams in life.

Someone with a good job, no fast food workers, pizza deliver drivers, cashiers. I am not into high maintenance women.

Someone who is simple, but has class. Someone who is of a conservative nature, especially fiscally conservative.

Someone with good credit and low debt. I am not paying off someone?s charge card debt where they bought some fly lookin rims and stereo for pimpin out her ex-boyfriends ride.

Someone who isn?t a control freak.

Good personal hygiene and has all their teeth and no rotten black teeth. I see this way too much and I find it a turn off.

Must live on their own and must keep their place clean. I don?t care for drama queens or people with hidden agendas. If you do, I will find them.


Must have decent transportation. I am not a mechanic nor am I buying this person a car. I am not funding someone?s education either.

I would prefer someone who is a smoker, since I am on too. That way I don?t have to be asked to quit or I taste like an ashtray. Then too who really knows what an ashtray tastes like. I don?t know too many people who lick ashtrays?lol.

[...]

Someone who likes to go out and do things. I?m not into women who get into sports. I don?t care for sports except NASCAR.

Dear Gary,

I saw your Hannidate listing and I think you are the perfect guy for my sister. She is a true red republican; she likes NASCAR; and she is a smoker.

She's always dreamed about seeing the USA while smoking in a truck with a camper.

She has had high moral values for a week. Before that, she was a prostitute. Last Friday, she found Jesus and put her mistakes behind her.

She's been jobless since she gave up hooking, but she begins her new career as a White House reporter on Monday. Last night, we celebrated by going out and buying a carton of smokes, a dozen bic lighters, and an ashtray that holds four cigarettes at a time.

She stabbed her pimp and is now totally debt free.

She is not high maintenance. Give her a pack of Camels and she's happy.

How important is the teeth thing to you?

Are you interested in meeting her?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot