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Monday, March 14, 2005

Perdition's Puppets

Gary Glenn
American Family Association of Michigan

Dear Mr. Glenn,

The spirit of the Lord touched me in a way I found pleasurable yet disturbing as I read your report on witches at Midland school. I say pleasurable because I was physically stirred by your bold defense of Christian values. It took balls to stand up to a real live witch even if she is only in the eighth grade.

Like you, I fear witchcraft's seductive power. Indeed, I yearn to have my "feet, knees, stomach, breasts [masculine man-breasts in my case--there's nothing wrong with that], and lips" kissed by a comely spell caster, and the part about them drawing figures on my little soldier is very tempting.

That's what makes them so dangerous. It's every man's fantasy. Who among us hasn't drawn a face on his soldier's helmet and performed a little puppet show? It's as funny as it is erotic, although, believe me, it can cause problems in a locker room. I hate those humorless bastards at the YMCA. I thought the diving into the foxhole thing was funny. Perhaps I should have warned Pastor Roberts first.

Anyway, while I was glad that you thwarted the Wiccans in Midland, I'm concerned about another headline I saw on the same page. Apparently, a Christian woman convinced officials in her district to be more accepting of religious practices in their schools. Don't get me wrong, I think it's time we put God back into the classroom. But doesn't that mean that other religions are welcome as well? What about Wiccans? If we allow Christian Prayer in school won't that lead to rampant Wiccan puppetry? How can we prevent it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the Helmet to reader Dan. Thanks for the tip.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.