A studded codpiece can make all the difference

Ronny Brown
Principal, Searcy High School

Dear Principal Brown,

Drunk on the liquor of secular humanism, the once great people of our nation have rejected God's word and traded in their rods of correction for psychology books. The use of biblically-based disciplinary techniques in our schools is becoming rarer every day. Those who still employ it are increasingly coming under fire by libertines from the left who prefer Godless reason to the righteous violence of the paddle.

So far, Arkansas has resisted efforts to end corporal punishment. Indeed, Arkansas is second only to Mississippi in the number of beatings teachers give children each year. You deserve a lot of the credit for that. Your school district beats one out of every two children and most of those beatings occur at your school. I salute you for your enthusiasm, but you could also do so much more.

Right now, schools like yours are in a holding action against the child huggers. We need to do more than just hold on. Bold, innovative ideas are required if we are going to breath life back into the Christian discipline movement. Dr. Dobson's book was a good start, but it's now time to take it to another level.

A teacher at Rochester Hills Christian Academy in Michigan has the right idea. He traded his paddle in for a pellet gun. When his class becomes unruly, he pulls his piece and fires away. The kids learn quickly that they have a simple choice. They can either choose silence or an opportunity to buy themselves glass eyes. You should consider doing something similar.

You might also find inspiration in my own experience. I'm a firm believer in old fashioned discipline. I don't care how old you may be; a spanking is always the best way to get right with the Lord. That's why whenever I find myself unconsciously touching myself inappropriately (strangely enough, this usually occurs while I'm watching wrestling on TV--I don't know why that is), I drive up to Seattle to see a guy I know who spanks men for money.

His garb is what I think you might find useful. He wears nothing but big leather boots, a studded black leather codpiece, and a hood. Just looking at him puts the fear of God into you. Imagine how your own students would react if they saw you dressed in a similar fashion. You'd never hear any backtalk again.

Well, keep up the good work, and please consider my suggestions.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot