We don't need no regulation

Sen. Bob Burns
Arizona State Senate

Dear Sen. Burns,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill to disband the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality. You have liberated us from a wicked tyranny imposed by those who pray to the gods of peer review and the scientific method. It's a victory that'll be remembered for many generations to come.

Now free from regulation, businesses no longer need to concern themselves with preventing releases of so-called harmful chemicals to our water, air, and land. They can focus all of their energy on a more important task, maximizing their profits.

Like so many of your contributors, I, too, was a victim of DEQ's tyrannical diktat. For years, they stonewalled my attempts to put what I call "sound science wading pools" in public parks throughout the state. These pools are designed to teach children the principles of sound science while providing them with an opportunity to participate in my favorite childhood activity, playing with mercury.

The pools will be thirty feet in diameter and filled with two feet of mercury. We'll put one of those water weenies in the middle of each one--you know those things that wiggle around like a snake and shoot water (mercury in this case) all over the place--kids love them. The children can wade though the mercury and frolic in the weenies' spray. They'll have a blast. They'll also get an education on the principles of sound science when they realize that something so fun couldn't possibly be toxic.

Now that DEQ is gone, I can begin raising money for this project. I bet the "Clean Coal Technology" people would be interested. Could you put in a good word for me?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot