The GOP's First Annual Culture of Life Festival

Chairman Ken Mehlman
Republican National Committee

Dear Chairman Mehlman,

We need to capitalize on all of the goodwill generated by the Party's recent Culture of Life activities. What better way to do that than to turn the Washington DC Fourth of July Celebration into a Culture of Life Festival?

We'll need to get moving on this right away, so I've put together an event schedule for your review:

Call To Prayer: True Father Sun Myung Moon, Messiah

Honor Guard: Jeff Gannon, journalist

Mr. Gannon will provide our nation's flag with a military escort. Parents are urged to shield their children's eyes.

Warm Up Act: Blastocyst Bob McCullough (Blastocyst-American brother of Presidential Trivia Whizkid Noah McCullough)

Bob will match his amazing ability to rapidly divide and multiply against the mathematical talents of the entire Social Security Board of Trustees.

Scavenger Hunt: Rep. Tom Delay, Sen. John Cornyn, and Pokey the Box Turtle

Rep. Tom Delay* will award a Choose Life T-Shirt to the first 100 people who bring him a judge's ear to add to his necklace. Sen. Cornyn will greet each returning contestant with a hug and the words, "The bastard deserved it." Pokey the Box Turtle will ensure that Sen. Cornwyn doesn't lose interest and wander off.

*Rep. DeLay might have a scheduling conflict. He may be feverishly conducting an abstinence education class for the boys of the Aryan Brotherhood in Cellblock B. If that's the case, we'll get Randall Terry to award the shirts.

Tribute to Freedom: Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

Sec. Rumsfeld will bring freedom to the brown people of Washington's Anacostia district by leveling their neighborhoods with a missile strike.

Life Saving Demonstration: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

Attorney General Gonzales will personally beat ten randomly chosen Iraqis to death in an attempt to obtain "ticking time bomb" information that may save countless lives.

Tribute to the Arts: President George W. Bush will honor the Culture of Life by coloring a picture of baby kitties.

Fireworks: Randall Terry

Mr. Terry will preside over the most spectacular fireworks display Washington has ever seen. Every abortion clinic within a 10 mile radius will be hit with napalm simultaneously.

Well, that's it. Let's get together and start planning.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot