Little Green Death Threats

I can't tell you how surprised I was to find death threats in my comments and email yesterday. Apparently, a freedom-loving LGF minion issued a fatwah against me. While I agree with them that the right to free speech is too important to be entrusted to just anybody, I can't understand why they are angry at me. I share their conservative values. Like them, I believe that we can't be truly free until we've eliminated every last vestige of any political philosophy that might compete with the One True Ideology in the marketplace of ideas. They must have misunderstood something I posted.

I have nothing but respect for the LGF minions. Too old or too infirm to fight for our freedoms in Afghanistan or Iraq, they've taken the war to our internal enemies, the seditious bastards who lack respect for Our Leader's Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. They don't have to do it. The pilonidal cysts and ingrown toenails that prevented them from joining our military or the Israeli Defense Forces could be used as excuses to sit out the war at home as well, but these fine patriotic minions fight for freedom without regard to their own discomfort.

They pay a tremendous price for their service. Cheeto diets, damp basements, and nagging mothers all take a toll on their physical and mental well-being. Yet they gladly offer up their miserable existence as a sacrifice to a better America, a land where a privileged oligarchy rules as God intended.

They may not be up to dodging bullets in Fallujah, but by God, they can still hide in some bushes in Cleveland and shoot Democrats in the back as they get out of their cars. That's a kind of courage most of us will never be able to fully understand.

I know that some of you are angry about the threats. I ask you to be a little more understanding. It's not easy to cower in your home while others fight the war you demanded. It's understandable that the mental anguish they experience might lead them to commit a few reckless mistakes. They may accidentally kill a few fellow conservatives like myself as they wage their crusade against dissent, but that's the price of freedom.