The poor are our playthings

Bryan Barton
The Koala

Dear Mr. Barton,

Over the last few years, I've been secretly seething about the end of American dominance in international basketball. Our dream teams were once untouchable. Our games were not measured in wins and losses, but in the degree of humiliation to which our opponents were subjected. Now, each game is a battle for respectability.

The same holds true for our armed forces. The military might that brought Grenada, Panama, and the Serbs to their knees is now stumbling badly in Iraq. Of course it's not our fault--the Iraqis refuse to play the role Sec. Rumsfeld assigned to them--but, still, we seem to be unable to humiliate one of the weakest fighting forces we've ever faced.

That's why I'm so excited about what you're doing. Your treatment of the illegal immigrant you captured in Arizona reminded me that America has no match when it comes to humiliating the poor. We're already the best there is and we're still working hard to improve on our technique. There's no telling how far we'll go once we pull the social security safety net out from under the working poor and middle class.

Keep up the good work, and don't forget to make homeless guys do humiliating tricks before you give them quarters.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot