A rifle named Jezebel

John M. Brown
Zion Oil & Gas, Inc

Dear Mr. Brown,

I've always wondered what the heck Ezekial was thinking about when he wrote: "And lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses." That passage has always sounded lewd to me, so lewd in fact that whenever I read it, I'm quickly overwhelmed by temptations of the flesh and end up locked up in my rifle room with a big bottle of vasoline and dozens of issues of Guns and Ammo, Soldier of Fortune, and WWF Raw Magazine.

Once I realize what I'm doing, I inevitably go on a Bible-burning spree in an effort to rid our nation of obscenity. Of course, that gets me to thinking about donkey members again, and the next thing I know I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of rifle rogering and bible burning.

I'm sorry. I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up again. My point is that I think I've finally figured out what that verse really means. I have you to thank for that.

You see, I read an article today about how you are using the Bible to explore for oil in Israel. I think you might be onto something, but I fear that you're using the wrong verse. Sure, Deuteronomy 33:24, with all that talk of foot oiling, seems like it would be a good place to start, but don't you think Ezekiel 23:20 is more promising? Couldn't the donkey members actually be oil derricks? And isn't it more likely that Ezekial was talking about oil gushers rather than horse gushers? After all, he was a man of God; he wouldn't write pornography.

Eziakial 23:20 takes place in Chaldea. I believe that's in Iraq. That's where you should be looking.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot