C&L strikes again

Another letter from that fine patriot at Crooks and Liars.

Voicemail is a girl's best friend

Dear Bill O'Reilly,

I very much enjoyed your segment on the American Idol/Paula Abdul scandal I thought you did a really nifty job exposing ABC's obviously phony, and misleading story which tried to characterize FOX's top rated show as rigged and filthy.

Who really cares if Ms. Abdul was copulating, primping, and cherry picking songs for Corey Clark while thousands of applicants were dying to reach that stage of the contest. She really had no hand in the final decision anyway, although his peter was in her pocket for most of the competition.

It was when that nubile young Rebbeca Winters from TIME Magazine brought up the telephone records and voicemails between Paula and Corey as evidence of their affair that I seemed to notice a pained look come over your face. I put it all together when I saw Dr. Phil McGraw grill Pat O'Brien about those "You are so F**king hot"messages. I realized then extent of the plight powerfully important people like us are faced with. WE have become the victims at the hands of THOSE lazy, mooching, gold diggers.

This is unacceptable! As a show of solidarity I am sending you the Televoicer, "a hand held voice changer" What a simply wonderful invention. It alters your voice by digitizing it, that way whenever we leave, shall we say a "provocative" voicemail, the police can't track the voice back to us.

I've stalked many an ex-girlfriend this way and have yet to have been proven guilty by a jury of my peers. That along with the Whizzinater makes for the perfect holiday gift too. After all we must protect ourselves from the likes of the Andrea Mackris's from ever again rubbing themselves in the shower with loofah's and God knows what else, as they think about how hot those voicemails actually made them while they collect multi-million dollar rewards at our expense. Am I right? ?

If you are truly grateful, just send me my very own autographed copy of The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. I'm sure I will find many useful tools enclosed in said book.

Metrosexually yours,

Crooks and Liars