U.S. House of Representatives
Dear Rep. Sherwood,
It looks like the enemies of all that is right and good have targeted you for destruction. Your eighty-four percent positive rating from the Christian Coalition draws their ire like an ethics lecture at a House leadership retreat. They can't help but jump to the most evil conclusions when confronted with the most innocent circumstances. That's why they snicker at your explanation of your relationship with Cynthia Ore. They do not think it's possible for a 64 year old man to innocently drop in on a 29 year old platonic friend to give her a back rub followed by a little friendly strangling. They aren't interested in the truth, because such an innocent relationship is beyond their ken.
I know what you're feeling now. I, too, have been the victim of similarly sick speculation. There is nothing wrong with a friend stopping by for an innocent, if rather drunken, round of relaxation exercises featuring cucumbers, vasoline, gladiator costumes, and a Twister game.
Don't let the vile French rumor-mongers get to you. Just point at a random person and scream "HOMOSEXUAL!" Then, you'll be welcomed back into your colleagues arms.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
