Behold J. Kenneth Blackwell in whom I am well pleased

J. Kenneth Blackwell
Ohio Secretary of State

Dear Sec. Blackwell,

I've been reading a lot lately about the State's Workers Compensation Fund's investment in the lucrative rare coin market. Like you, I think it's a good investment for the state. Sure, it's risky as hell, but I have faith that the value of the buffalo head nickel has nowhere to go but up.

That said, you might consider diversifying Ohio's portfolio by investing in the collectibles market. I see great possibilities there. With all of the recent media interest in Catholicism recently--the sheer amount of CNN's airtime on papal politics is rivaled only by its white-women-in-danger coverage--you should consider investing in Pope Innocent III action figures (with removable pope hat). I don't see how you can miss with this. Pope-mania is sweeping the country right now.

If you're looking for something a little less risky, you might consider Time Capsule Toys' Talking Jesus action figure. Each Jesus comes with its own numbered certificate of authenticity, thereby increasing its value as a collectible. It will also have a broad potential resale market. Both Catholics and real Christians will want to get a hold of one of these puppies.

There's also a political upside to investing in religious collectibles. You're going to be running in a Republican gubernatorial primary soon. Think about how Dr. Dobson will feel when he learns that you're responsible for convincing the State to invest in Jesus action figures. He'll love you for it. What's more, with all of the State's buying power, I'm sure you could get Time Capsule Toys to program their Jesuses to say, "Behold J. Kenneth Blackwell in whom I am well pleased." Think about what that kind of endorsement could do for you in a Republican primary.

This could be your big break. The Governor's Mansion is just your first stop. If you play your cards right, you could make the Pope Innocent III and Talking Jesus action figures a central part of our party's Social Security reform efforts. It could be your ticket to the White House.

Please give my ideas your full consideration. I'll be waiting for your call.

Sincerely,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot