Eat lead, lizard lips

Jason Apuzzo
Liberty Film Festival

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

I'm a big fan of your film, San Pedro. It's too bad there aren't more movies with similar story lines. After all, what could be more exciting than a mystery about Al Gore's ties to the Red Chinese.

I'm also excited about the work you're doing to promote conservative filmmakers. Sooner or later, the French-minded Hollywood elite are going to wake up to the fact that the public wants their politics and religion spoon fed to them in their romantic comedies and action pictures--that's the lesson we've learned from such recent blockbusters as The Village.

I think I've found the perfect script to launch this new era of conservative filmmaking. It's a screenplay by a god-fearing, conservative creationist named Jim Pinkoski. He calls it The Bank.

Here's his pitch:

The manager of the local bank is not a human being.

He is a demon, and he enjoys seeing people come in and sign for their high interest bank loans.

This demon loves money, and loves to see the pain it brings to peoples' lives when they have to default on their loans and lose their homes, etc.

Then one day FATHER TIME decides that this has gone far enough

One of the awesome visual sequences in this movie will involve something that has never been done before in a movie, a battle between angels and dinosaurs attacking Noah's Ark.

Admittedly, it needs some work. The author is one of those old-time conservative Christians who's misread what the Bible says about usury. We'll fix that by making the demon a human rights activist rather than a banker. That'll help us avoid charges of heresy from the Dobson wing of the movement.

The climactic battle at Noah's Ark between angels and dinosaurs is almost perfect as is, but I think we should give the angels grenade launchers and handheld, chain-driven machine guns with revolving barrels--our target audience loves that kind of thing. Castingwise, I see Adam Baldwin as Michael, the angel who sings hosannas while kicking dino ass, and Vincent Gallo as his sidekick, Gabriel, an angel whose love for the Lord is only surpassed by his need for a shower.

You know, this whole battle at Noah's Ark scene is so good, we should probably build the rest of the film around it. Let's make it into an allegory about the persecution of Our Leader. The people of Earth begin badmouthing God's policies, so Our Lord's most beloved angel, Karl, hatches a plan to drown every man, woman and child except Noah, a contractor who sacrifices more lambs to God than anyone else on the planet.

Yes, I think that's it. What do you think? Can I get a writing credit? When can we start?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Pharyngula has more on Mr. Pinkoski, here, here, here, and here.