Spartan-style wrestling at the YRNC

Dan Zubairi
Security Director, Young Republican National Convention

Nathan Taylor
Chair, Young Republican National Convention

Dear Messrs Zubairi and Taylor,

Mr. Taylor's June 28 press release has me very worried. I don't see how you'll be able to stop the liberal infiltrators from invading the convention and disrespecting your veterans exhibition. Mandalay Bay security, while very good, can't be everywhere, and Lord knows, if your membership is too timid to fight in Iraq when their country desperately needs them, they won't be much use in a scrap against veteran-abusing Frenchmen.

I've recruited a few internet acquaintances to help you out. Tomorrow, twenty-seven of us are getting on Greyhound busses and leaving for Las Vegas. We should all get there just in time for the convention. I was hoping to get a couple hundred, but most of my potential recruits said that they'd support you by attending their local Fourth of July celebrations.

There's no need to thank me. All I ask in return is that you allow my men to talk to your members about joining the military. As you know, we are locked in a desperate fight for freedom in Iraq, and given this year's recruitment shortfalls, new bodies are urgently needed to replenish our infantry.

I'd also like to honor the hard work you've done putting together the convention by inviting you to participate with me in the ancient rite of Spartan-style wrestling. It's an old warrior tradition I revived to pay tribute to those who fight to keep our traditional values. The rules are simple. Two men, naked in the tradition of the ancient Spartan warriors, engage in physical combat until one submits to the other's domination.

I think your membership would love it. It'd make for a great social event. Perhaps your social director, Mr. Spires, could schedule it for one of the convention's free nights.

Think about it. You're both attractive men--I mean that in a very heterosexual kind of way. I'm sure your membership would love to see your naked, oiled, muscular bodies locked in physical combat with a manly soldier like myself. And Mr. Taylor, those ears, oh how I'd like to take one in each hand and bond with you in the way only true cultural warriors can bond.

Excuse me for getting a little carried away there, but you know what I mean. It would be an honor to wrestle with you in the manner of our Spartan forbearers.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc: Blaine Spires, Social Director, Young Republican National Convention