My response to the Army of God

Rev. Donald Spitz
Army of God
Pro-Life Virgina

Dear Rev. Spitz,

Thank you for leaving a comment on my Mainstreaming Our Confederate-American Heritage post. You're absolutely right. I erred in labeling Eric Rudolph a terrorist. It was a typo. I meant to call him a Hero of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. While I freely admit that I'm a terrible typist, I have no idea how I could have gotten so many letters wrong--that is, I have no explanation other than it must have been the work of Satan, or as Tommy Thompson might claim in a friendly, respectful, and complimentary kind of way, the Jews.

Fortunately, my readers are all good god-fearing people. They understood what I meant. They know how I feel about Rudolf's war against Christianity's greatest enemy, the Olympics. They've witnessed my own anger over the blasphemy that is greco-roman wrestling, a "sport" that makes a mockery of the greatest of the ancient warrior traditions, Spartan-style wrestling, by requiring that the contestants be clothed and their Spears of Manly Domination remain sheathed.

As harsh as your comment was, I'm very glad you made it. It gives me an opportunity to talk to you about an even greater evil. It's a practice that kills more Americans than any other, including abortion. Of course I'm talking about the Great Tube Sock Holocaust in which billions upon billions of our tiny Spermatazoan-American brothers are murdered every year for a few seconds of pleasure.

I've been working hard very hard to liberate our Spermatazoan-American citizens and provide them with safe, secure homes in Mason jars I keep in my cellar, but I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't enough. Nobody is doing anything to stop those responsible for the slaughter. Perhaps it's time for the Army of God to go to war against the masturbaters. Heck, maybe you could even ally with the Family Research Council to fight it now that Tony Perkins is an admirer of the Phineas Priesthood.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

D'Souza in the sky with diamonds

Mr. D'Souza replies yet again:

From: dineshjdsouza@aol.com
To: jcchristian@charter.net
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2007 1:54 PM
Subject: Re: Disappointed fan

But I don't have leopard print carpet in my den. Are you on drugs or something?

DD

My response,

Dear DD,

I hope it's ok to call you DD rather than Mr. D'Souza. I was touched by your concern about my possible drug use and am beginning to view you as a friend.

Your concern is unfounded. I do not use illegal drugs. In fact, the only drug I use regularly is a prescription medication called Oxycontin. I take it to relieve the pain I suffer from a pilonidal cyst (a big boil in the area of the, uh, "tailbone." It's a stress related disorder I acquired when I learned that Congress was considering reinstituting the draft. I understand that Rush Limbaugh suffers from the same affliction for similar reasons.

Other than the 25-30 prescription (well, it's somebody's prescription, anyway) Oxycontin tablets I melt down and shoot every day and the Viagra I use when I vacation alone in places like the Dominican Republic, my life is completely drug free.

Well, enough about me and Mr. Limbaugh. I accept your denial of the allegations that your home office is lined with "wall-to-wall leopard-print carpet." I should have realized that inasmuch as it was printed in the San Diego Reader, a MSM rag, the charge is likely to be just as phony as AP's source in Iraq's Ministry of Interior, Capt. Jamil Hussein. My guess is that the liberal media planted that story in the hope that our Islamunistofascist cultural allies would be fooled into thinking that you're a sexual libertine and, therefore, attack you.

Please accept my apologies for being fooled, myself. I'd like to make it up to you by inviting you over to the compound for a weekend. We'll drink beer, eat Frito pie, and punch each other in the shoulders like men do with their man friends. Then we'll dress up in gladiator outfits and watch Ben Hur and Spartacus, and maybe even Gladiator if I can get that goo off the DVD. After that, if you're up for it, I'd like to honor you in the only way a warrior may truly honor another warrior--that is to wrestle naked in the ancient manner of our Spartan philosophical forefathers until one of us establishes dominance over the other by driving his mighty shaft of supreme manliness into the other's cavern of shame.

Or we could just have pizza down at the mall.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Previous exchanges with Mr. D'Souza

My original email to him.

His reply and my response.

Whisper campaign accuses RNC hopeful of being a closeted negro

For years, RNC Chair Ken Mehlman has weathered the most vicious, most troop-hating kind of rumors imaginable. The French, hoping to take him down, waged a whisper campaign in which they spun his love for the warrior ethic into a evidence that he is a secret homosexual.

Although normal, patriotic warriors like ourselves understand a man's occasional need to dress up like a gladiator and polish his sword while watching Spartacus, the French, warrior-haters all, are far too eager to interpret it as a sign that we're a little too friendly with Dorothy. The same is true for the ancient sport of wrestling naked in the manner of our Spartan forbearers. Our Gallic enemies are always quick to portray this act of warriorly comradeship--particularly, at the end of the bout, when one combatant establishes his dominance over the other by driving his short sword home--as some kind of perverted homosexual orgy.

So now, Ken Mehlman is stepping down. It seems that America's enemies have finally convinced the public that he is a hypocrite, a man whose love for the way of the warrior is in conflict with record of homosexual persecution.

And it looks like they're going to do it again. They've already started in on his potential replacement, spreading rumors that Michael Steele is secretly a negro, a charge that will surely end his chances to chair the party of George Bush and Bob Corker. Sure, considering his obvious contempt for brown people, that may sound ludicrous to our ears, but so did the rumors about Mr. Mehlman. We have to fight back this time.

Letters from Nedd

From: info@stoptheaclu.org
To: shanon
CC: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Sent: Friday, July 07, 2006 3:40 PM
Subject: [FWD: Invitation from Nedd]

Where do you live, so-called "General"? If you are in the Midwest somewhere, I'll challenge you to a public debate and take on every argument you can make and dismantle them all. I'll embarrass the heck out of you. Your so-called "General" is as phony as a $9 bill.

You think you know me? Believe me, you don't. I'm not like most of the rest of those you have likely contacted.

Are you a man or a mouse?

Nedd

I respond:

Subject: Re: Invitation from Nedd
From: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Date: Fri, July 07, 2006 10:53 pm
To: ,

I'm not stupid. I can see right through your code. $9 bill? That's three $3 bills, as in the old saying about homosexuals. Is this some kind of invitation? Are you asking me where I live so you can come over and touch me inappropriately? Do you enjoy gladiator movies like Spartacus, The Robe, and Ben Hur?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Ned replies:

Subject: RE: Invitation from Nedd
From: info@stoptheaclu.org
Date: Sat, 08 Jul 2006 19:12:20 -0700
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"

You know what you are? You're a chicken, let alone chicken shit. You're a wuss, not to mention a tin horn dictator who wouldn't know Jesus Christ from Lucifer. You're big and tough behind that keyboard but you run away like a little mouse when you are challenged. You big baby!

OK, I've had enough:

Dear Nedd,

I've tried to control my temper thus far, but you entered very dangerous territory when you called me a "chicken" and a "big baby." I'm not going to stand still for it. Indeed, I'm going to follow the example Our Savior set when he spied the money changers in the temple and open up a big ole can of whoop-ass on you.

I hereby challenge you to a wrestle me in the manner of our ancient Spartan forebearers. Now, don't get excited. This wrestling match will not be held in the square of warriors--I'm not wrestling you as an equal--rather, we will grapple each other in the circle of shame, the ancient place of justice where true men of war met their lessers, naked and un-oiled, armed with nothing more that their terrible spatulas of retribution, to teach the rabble the importance of knowing their place.

You live in Illinois. I live in Washington State. So let's split the difference and meet at Ghormley Park in Moscow, ID. I'll be there from 2-4 PM this Saturday. If you have any balls whatsoever, you and your spatula will be there.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

At the movies with Deputy Leader Dick

Reader e_five wrote me asking if I knew whether Deputy Leader Dick had seen the movie Hostel. Well, I poked around and learned that he had. Indeed, he even wrote a review for it and another film, Brokeback Mountain. I've published the reviews for both below. I'm sure Our Deputy Leader would like to hear what you thought of them, so if you're so inclined, you can rate his reviews at IMDB, here and here.

It's the way men bond with each other
Author: TheVeep from an undisclosed location

A few years ago, one of my daughters was accused of liking women rather than men. It seemed like everywhere we went, people would ask us if it was true. Of course we denied it every time, but that didn't stop people from asking.

I guess that's why I get so angry when I hear Brokeback Mountain being described as a homosexual cowboy movie. It's nothing of the sort. It's just a simple story about a very close relationship between two very manly men.

I understand how people who haven't spent a lot of time around manly men might be confused. The naked grappling, kisses, and love-sodden glances may appear rather unbiblical to those who haven't experienced the kind of male bonding that occurs between cowboys, firemen, barbers and others who work in traditionally male occupations. But naked, Spartan-style wrestling is simply one of the ways men express comradeship with each other--it's like passing gas or punching a shoulder--any spelunking a Spartan-style wrestler's little soldier might do is purely accidental.

Men become very close when they spend time together camping out. This movie depicts that closeness better than anything other movie I've seen. It's like I told to my wife as we were exiting the theater, "You've always wanted to know what my hunting trips were like. Well, you just saw it."

Take your wife to see Brokeback Mountain. It'll explain a lot of things to her.

Not Very Realistic
Author: TheVeep from an undisclosed location

I really wanted to like Hostel, and I'll admit that parts of it excited me in a way that required me to shift the position of my popcorn, but the film lacked the realism I was told to expect. Men don't scream like that when they're subjected to pain approaching, but not equivalent to, organ failure. Their screams are much more piercing and non-human in nature. And when a patriot is using a power drill to penetrate human flesh, he's thinking about something very different in his mind, thoughts that are physically expressed in a very noticeable manner if you know what I mean.

My wife tells me that it's art and that it's aimed at a broad audience rather than simply at experts. I don't know about that. It seems to me that even the layman can sense when something isn't authentic.

I love the smell of testosterone in the morning

Tom Crouse
Holland Congregational Church

Dear Pastor Tom,

Your Mr. Heterosexual contest is--dare I say it--an act of pure genius. Finally, heterosexual men have a venue where they can flaunt their heterosexuality without guilt or fear of reproach. My only regret is that I do not live in Massachusetts and am therefore ineligible to compete.

That said, I'd like to contribute a few ideas to make it even better. Manly events like tearing up Oprah magazines and delivering short dissertations on the glory of duct tape sound like a lot of fun, but I'm thinking that by adding a few other events, we can make this thing as big as a Promise Keepers rally.

How about adding a cowboy movie? I hear Brokeback Mountain is very good--everyone down at the cafe tells me I should see it. They laugh and say it'll give me a whole new outlook on bulldogging and the meaning of being saddlesore. It's in its first run right now, so we'd be able to show it's while it still fresh.

We should also consider adding wrestling. Rob Adonis runs a wrestling ministry that gets rave reviews at Christian events. I've tried to engage him in the past, but we got hung up on whether he'd allow my men to wrestle his men, naked, in honor of our ancient Spartan warrior forefathers. I think we could get around that this time by alternating Spartan-style matches between Mr. Heterosexual contestants with his bouts.

Of course, we could just have an old fashioned Spartan-style cage spanker without his wrestlers, but his show would add a spiritual dimension that might be hard for us to match. You see he has this one guy who wears tight black shorts with white lips pasted on what I like to call his Mighty Bulge of Irresistible Temptation. It entrances his opponents just like the siren song of sodomy casts its spell over regular guys like you and me. Opponent after opponent is seduced by it magic until finally, a man of great spiritual strength is able to resist its spell and pin the bulge's wielder. Once he's down, all of the other wrestlers jump in and beat the shit out of the damned sodomite with loving Christian fury.

Then it's time for Frito pie.

I'd like to get together with you soon to work out the details. You name the time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Operation Yellow Elephant's Karl

Spartan Style Wrestling with the Royal Marines

Regular readers know that the General has worked very hard to bring back the ancient tradition of warriors honoring each other by wrestling naked in the manner of our Spartan forbearers. A challenge to such a contest is the highest honor a warrior can give to another. Nothing would make this old soldier happier than to see it become standard practice once again in our modern warrior societies.

I've often dreamed of engaging Deputy Leader Dick in the ring of honor, sweat mingling, man breasts beating a slapping cadence as we each seek to dominate the other until, finally, one tires and the other drives his manhood home in a glorious act of manly triumph.

That's why I'm so happy to hear the news that the Royal Marines have embraced the ancient Spartan warrior ways:

The footage obtained by the News of the World appears to show two naked men being forced to fight each other.

[...]

Twelve soldiers who had just finished their 32-week commando training were alleged to have taken part in the initiation ritual, while around 40 other marines - also stripped naked - watched.

The fight appears to have been "directed" by two non-commissioned officers. One was dressed in a surgeon's outfit, the other dressed as a schoolgirl.

Of course there will always be those who do not understand the need for warriors to bond in this manner and that is the case here. Unfortunately, the whiner is a Tory. You'd think he'd know better:

The Conservative party's spokesman for homeland security Patrick Mercer said he had come across this sort of thing occasionally during his 26 years in the Army.

"I can't tell you how damaging it is," he said.

"Just imagine a young man turning up in his unit and being made to wrestle naked in a field while his non-commissioned officers are dressed up in women's frillies. I mean, it's not very dignified stuff, is it?"

Video here.

Helmet tip to Lawrence of Cyberia.

Honoring The Dean, the ancient Spartan way

Christopher Flickinger
"The Dean," The Network of College Conservatives

Dear Dean Flickinger,

These are tough times for conservatives. Liberals and their media lackies have turned much of the population against us. It fills my heart with joy to see someone like you out there promoting our most cherished traditional Christian values, things like: torturing unruly children and uppity brown people; financially rewarding corporations and incompetent apparatchiks for their political support; nurturing the birth of a religious government in Iraq; supporting Our Leader's policy of protecting us against the truth; rewarding the wealthy for being wealthy; raining white phosphorus fire onto rebellious cities; reclaiming women's uteri as the property of men; demonizing love; relieving the poor of the burden of obtaining food stamps and health care; and betraying intelligence assets in fits of revenge.

I want to thank you for the work you're doing. I hope you'll accept an invitation to spend a weekend at my compound so that I can honor you properly as a fellow conservative warrior. It's an ancient ceremony--one handed down generation by generation from our Spartan warrior forbearers. Yes, I'm talking about Spartan-style wresting, where two men, naked and oiled, grapple each other in an ancient dance, struggling to establish dominance and drive their manhood home into an exhausted, humiliated opponent. It's the highest honor a Republican warrior may pay to another. It's also the perfect metaphor for conservatism.

Afterwards, I'll drive you down to the recruiters office so that you can back your rhetoric with action. How does that sound to you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Spartan-style wrestling at the YRNC

Dan Zubairi
Security Director, Young Republican National Convention

Nathan Taylor
Chair, Young Republican National Convention

Dear Messrs Zubairi and Taylor,

Mr. Taylor's June 28 press release has me very worried. I don't see how you'll be able to stop the liberal infiltrators from invading the convention and disrespecting your veterans exhibition. Mandalay Bay security, while very good, can't be everywhere, and Lord knows, if your membership is too timid to fight in Iraq when their country desperately needs them, they won't be much use in a scrap against veteran-abusing Frenchmen.

I've recruited a few internet acquaintances to help you out. Tomorrow, twenty-seven of us are getting on Greyhound busses and leaving for Las Vegas. We should all get there just in time for the convention. I was hoping to get a couple hundred, but most of my potential recruits said that they'd support you by attending their local Fourth of July celebrations.

There's no need to thank me. All I ask in return is that you allow my men to talk to your members about joining the military. As you know, we are locked in a desperate fight for freedom in Iraq, and given this year's recruitment shortfalls, new bodies are urgently needed to replenish our infantry.

I'd also like to honor the hard work you've done putting together the convention by inviting you to participate with me in the ancient rite of Spartan-style wrestling. It's an old warrior tradition I revived to pay tribute to those who fight to keep our traditional values. The rules are simple. Two men, naked in the tradition of the ancient Spartan warriors, engage in physical combat until one submits to the other's domination.

I think your membership would love it. It'd make for a great social event. Perhaps your social director, Mr. Spires, could schedule it for one of the convention's free nights.

Think about it. You're both attractive men--I mean that in a very heterosexual kind of way. I'm sure your membership would love to see your naked, oiled, muscular bodies locked in physical combat with a manly soldier like myself. And Mr. Taylor, those ears, oh how I'd like to take one in each hand and bond with you in the way only true cultural warriors can bond.

Excuse me for getting a little carried away there, but you know what I mean. It would be an honor to wrestle with you in the manner of our Spartan forbearers.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc: Blaine Spires, Social Director, Young Republican National Convention

The most misunderstood scouting tradition

This must be a mistake:

The national director of programs for the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with receiving and distributing child pornography, the U.S. Attorney's office here told NBC News on Tuesday.

Douglas S. Smith Jr. was charged with one felony count of having photos that show "minors engaging in sexually explicit conduct."

Mr. Smith can't be a child pornographer. He's served us valiantly in the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Revolution. Just look at his defense of Scouting's discrimination against Godless atheists and homosexuals:

Some intolerant elements in our society want to force scouting to abandon its values and to become fundamentally different. They want scouting to forego its constitutional rights, affirmed in 2000 by the Supreme Court in BSA v. Dale, and adopt fundamentally different values from the ones that helped shape the character of Mr. Collins and 106 million other young men over the past 94 years.

My guess is that the U.S. Attorney has misinterpreted innocent photos of the impromptu Spartan-style wrestling games held at every scouting jamboree and campout. Sure, they always end with some good, old-fashioned cornholing, but that's more about tradition than homosexuality. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't see the most prolific practitioners of the tradition beating up weaker scouts for being homosexual--a practice so common on the last day of a jamboree or campout, it's become an honored tradition as well. I bet even the most prominent people in America, people like Jeff Gannon, Karl Rove, and even Our Leader, have participated as beaters in the latter tradition.

A tip of the helmet to reader Scott for alerting the General to this.