Real Men Aren't Afraid to Toss a Few Salads

Governor Bob Taft
State of Ohio

Dear Gov. Taft,

I was sorry to hear about your indictment on corruption charges. It's a shame that almost two decades after the Reagan revolution, the government still regulates graft. I hoped that we'd be able to bring free market principles to government once we were in charge, but, unfortunately, it hasn't happened yet.

At least you can take comfort in the fact that many of your friends and acquaintances will be joining you soon. It looks like half the Republican elected officials in Ohio will eventually be indicted in the Coingate and other associated scandals.

There's a good possibility that many of you will end up in prison. Are you ready for that? If not, I can help. I've developed a training program to help men like you survive the prison experience. I'm willing to bring it to Ohio for a fraction of what it cost your state to have Tom Noe manage the Workers Compensation fund.

It's a comprehensive program. I teach everything from salad tossing to cigarette marketing techniques. Below, you'll find a list of some of the modules I use in my training. Please take note of how I've tailored the curriculum for conservative audiences.

• Management Secrets of Eddy the Icepick
• Shiv Making for Dummies
• Real Men Aren't Afraid to Toss a Few Salads
• If Amway Sold Smokes: Multi-Level Marketing in a Prison Setting
• Shanking Your Way to the Top
• Fashioning Body Armor Out of Day Planners
• If Herbalife sold Herb: Multi-Level Marketing in a Prison Setting II
• Seven Secrets of Successful Snitches
• I'm a Diamond in Cellblock C's Multi-Level Heroin Marketing Operation
• Negotiating the Meal: Strategies for Success in the Chow Line

I hope you'll consider contracting with me to provide this training. You certainly won't regret it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot