Rebooting Creationism

Bill and Melinda Gates
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gates,

I literally jumped for joy when I learned that you give a million dollars a year to the The Discovery Institute to help it promote Intelligent Design. It means that you aren't afraid to fund faith-based science projects no matter how laughable they may appear to practitioners of the scientific method. That's exactly the kind of benefactor I've been looking for to fund my own biblical-science experiments.

Like every Mormon kid in Utah, I grew up admiring the work of Thor Heyerdahl. By sailing his reed boat, Ra, from Morocco to South America, and his balsawood raft, Kon Tiki, from South America to the Pacific island of Raroia, Heyerdahl proved the validity of the Mormon belief that Hawaiians are, in fact, Jews.

I want to do the same thing for Noah's Ark. I want to give it the same kind of respectability you've given to creationism.

One of the biggest problems people have with Noah's Ark is that even at 300 x 40 x 30 cubits in size, it would be too small to hold that many animals. That's especially true when dinosaurs are included. My theory is that only a small portion of the animals were actually on the ark at any given time. The others swam, or in the case of non-buoyant animals like tortoises, they windsurfed until it was time for them to be rotated onto the boat.

In order to prove this theory, I'll need an ark, every living species of animal, mockups of dinosaurs, and Cheetos. That's going to take a lot of money, but I think you should be able to swing it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot