Her Big Fat Greek Wedding

Where did the summer go? One minute I'm the Party Planner at The Creation Museum and the next minute I'm being committed to The Brookhaven Institute. Always one to look on the bright side, I used my time wisely making a lists of the people who had me put there so that I would never forget any of them. Because it was sins of the flesh that landed me there, I was put in The Institute's affiliate program http://www.lustfreeliving.org/ . Driving the RV, 'the awesomest vehicle on the road' gave me much pleasure because ever since I was a little girl I've been able to spot a lusty young man a mile away. So, I'd just slam on the breaks, pull on over and before you knew it that sweet and golden youth would be mine to bring to Glory. Now I'm back home again and typing away on Nub's old laptop. Fool thing won't do a thing I tell it. Bear with me and with maybe unreliable links . After a long day spent adding new names to the lists , I listened to my messages. I could barely make out the words for all the crying and wailing. It was my niece Nicolle Devenish http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/01/20050105-5.html . She was supposed to marry Mark Wallace http://www.akerman.com/public/attorneys in some fancy shmancy wedding in Mykonos. That's in Greece. I received an invitation but my ongoing efforts with the young men came first although I'll bet the mewling thing still expects a gift. She starts crying a river about how everything got ruined. First, Dr. Rice couldn't come over because she was caught buying shoes for the wedding. Then, after the MSM was so mean, only losers like Mike McKinnon and that twit Mehlman from the RNC showed up. Everything was going to be perfect and then that stupid stupid rain in New Orleans ruined everything. It was me, she said, who was the ventriloquist for the President when he had that wardrobe malfunction http://flakmag.com/opinion/images/shredder14.jpg . She told the press it was a rumple in the cheap fabric of his two thousand dollar suit and that's the story she stuck to. So you'd think I'd get a dog gone GOP break just for that but "NO" she said. Where were the God Damn congratulations from the President and Laura? Dream on! They're walking the disaster areas like they're a couple of God Damn Scarletts in God Damn Atlanta. She started blubbering again and told me for the umpteenth how she and Mark met when he was Jeb's driver in '94 and that they finally got engaged at the 2004 Inaugural Ball. They had worked together when she was Communications Director for the Bush/Cheney campaign and he worked under her. Then he goes to FEMA and then onto Homeland Security where he worked with all the good folks the Liberals are trying to persecute now because of an unpredicted and unpredictable storm. Remembering the good times on the campaign trail she was wistful about her witty bitchslap to Clinton with her "It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid!!!" sign on her office door. Aunty Stinkeye, you more than anyone know how much of a Compassionate Conservative I am and how my heart breaks for those thousands of dead people but what's done is done and no use crying over spilt milk and that's when she asked me if I remembered that Mark and she were both very passionate about Home Land Security and that she spoke for the President more than once on that very topic http://www.wcpo.com/news/2004/local/05/03/security.html . By now, my head was hurting and she was never my favorite niece anyway so I told her to wrap it up. More wailing about how unfair everything was and she had always dreamed of her big day and boo hoo, boo, hoo. I told her I was hanging up which I did but not before she told me she loved me and that she still wanted a gift. What was she, high? I'm supposed to send her silver prayer bookends when she gets married on a goat http://www.magicaljourneys.com/Travel/weddings.jpg ? The Stinkeyes don't condone getting married on any animal (though, Hysteria and Bulemia have their hearts set on unicorns. Find some husbands first is what I say). Sorry, Nicolle, absolutely and positively, no gift.