Pricks

The Most Reverend Edwin O'Brien
Archbishop of the United States Military

Your Excellency,

As glad as I am to hear that you'll be heading up the apostolic visitation to weed out homosexuals in our seminaries, I worry that many will slip from your grasp. After all, it's not likely that men who've spent years studying for the priesthood will volunteer information that'll prevent them from being ordained. And you can't really identify homosexual priests by their dress or behavior--even heterosexual padres wear cassocks and go dateless on Friday night.

That doesn't mean that it's impossible. The Church faced a similar problem in the past and successfully resolved it. Three centuries ago, witches posed the same threat to the Church that homosexuals pose today. They too were very hard to identify until some bright bishop thought of the idea of employing witch prickers. You could do it again, today.

You have a priest, Rev. Arthur Michalka, in the Diocese of Austin who's an experienced pricker. Just last Wednesday, he pricked 15 children "with an unsterilized pin to demonstrate the pain Jesus suffered during crucifixion." All you need to do is convince him to start pricking seminarians instead. Let him probe their bodies looking for the homo's mark, the place where the prick will make them giggle rather than squeal (well, OK, it might make them squeal too). Once you've found that, you've found a homosexual.

Please consider it. I think that you'll agree that a homosexual pricker is the answer to your prayers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to jmb and Cocos.