What would Republican Jesus do?

Ann Coulter
Columnist

Dear Mr. Coulter,

I worry that we'll never see another Spring like that of 2005. The media was still attributing Our Leader's victory to the two or three points we conservative Christians chipped in. We were treated like superstars. The networks ran serious news specials about miracles and the resurrection of Our Lord. Cable news outlets treated every sighting of Mary, whether it be on a grilled cheese sandwich or under an overpass, with the reverence it deserved.

It all seemed to culminate in April when a young Christian woman named Ashley Smith convinced an escaped convict to surrender by washing him in the blood of the Lamb. It sent the media into full Church Lady mode. Everyone from the New York Times to Paul Harvey jumped on it. CNN became All Jesus All The Time, a never ending series of Ashley Smith interviews interrupted only by brief newsvertisements for The Purpose Driven Life.

You joined in as well, writing:

Smith knew all about Nichols' violent depredations from TV. Yet she saw him not as a monster, but as one of God's creatures. Most Christians -- most people -- have trouble seeing the humanity of people who take our parking spots. Smith could see God's hand in a multiple murderer holding her hostage. By showing him genuine Christian love, Smith turned Nichols from a beast to a brother in Christ.

Now, it's Autumn and the truth about Ashley has been revealed. She showed him more than simple Christian love; she showed him where she kept her stash of crystal meth and invited him to partake of it.

There will be those who will criticize her for this. They may even call the act, "unchristian." I can understand that. After all, meth is the Heartland's drug. It's not supposed to be shared with brown people. That said, we should ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do." I'd like to think that the answer would be, "He'd lay out a few lines for the strange brown man." But then, like the conservative Christ he was, he'd have enslaved him until he paid for it.

Perhaps you could address this in your next column. You could even use it to praise the compassionate nature of our modern Messiah, the President. God knows that given the way he's clenching his jaw lately, he's sharing a few lines with someone.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christan patriot