Roy Cohn's cold, dead woody

Rep. David David Dreier,
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. David Dreier,

My friends at church always snicker a little whenever I bring your name up in a conversation about politics. You don't fit their image of what a good, god-fearing conservative should be. They say your clothes are too fancy; your bearing's too "coastal;" and that there's just something funny about you.

I always respond by pointing to your record. You supported the Defense of Marriage and Marriage Protection Acts and opposed the Hate Crimes Prevention and Employment Non-Discrimination Acts. That's about as good a record of homosexual hating as you'll find anywhere in Congress. You should be proud of that.

That said, voting to deny basic human rights to homosexuals isn't the same thing as personally denying them, and the lack of evidence for the latter in your record has always made me wonder if you were truly committed to the cause of heterosexual supremacy. Fortunately, any reservations I had about you ended yesterday when you rejected your own request to be promoted to the position of Majority Leader on the basis of your sexual orientation. Anyone can discriminate against others, but it takes a special kind of man to discriminate against himself. I salute you for that.

I imagine it wasn't an easy thing for you to do. You probably went straight to a bar afterward and drank yourself into a stupor. Hopefully, you also beat the shit out of yourself when you noticed that you were leaving a homosexual bar. After all, you may have voted against the Hate Crimes Prevention Act, but have you ever committed a hate crime?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot