Restoring America's Family Values--One Beating at a Time

David W. Irons Jr.
dave@davidironsjr.com
Sammamish, Washington


Dear Dave:

Ok, so you’ve had your ups and downs this week. First, a poll comes out showing you catching up with your opponent in the race for King County Executive. And, then that pesky blogger at horsesass.org posts some annoying news.

As tearfully recounted to me by Janet [that is your mother, Dave], the “family matter” involved an incident that occurred back during the early 1990’s at her office in the family cable company, when David Jr., during one of his frequent fits of rage, hit his mother, knocking her to the floor… and then ripped the phone off the wall when she attempted to dial 911. Frightened, shocked and in pain, Janet fled in her car, hiding several blocks away, “afraid he was coming again.”

Janet has never again allowed herself to be alone with David Jr. since the day the “family matter” occurred.

Wow! So you beat the crap out of your mother, huh? Now, that will make for some challenging damage control.

The good news is that you are not African American, or the press would call for your nuts on a platter--deep-fried with blood orange-habanero salsa on the side. But, as a white boy you can pretty much beat-up mom and get by with careful spin. Additionally, you’re a Republican, and we know the public has become desensitized to this kind of thing from you guys--you know, bestiality, S&M, asking God to kill people, and pummeling your mother.

Hey, it’s not as if you got a blow job.

So here’s the spin: Strength. A leader has to do what he has to do. When the situation warrants, a strong leader makes the tough choice and clobbers mom. The voters desperately want strong political leadership, and really, what better way is there to show strength and resolve than by giving your mother a bloody nose or bludgeoning her into unconsciousness?

We will have to work on the family angle a little. The press already reported that your parents and sister will not vote for you, and your father thinks you’re a liar. So, it is important for you to do the right thing by your family here.

You will want to call a press conference. In it, you publicly forgive your mother for wronging you--for her role in pissing you off. Make it from the heart; it’ll grab some of the “family value” vote.

Then, we work on “expectation management” through a series of media events where male staff members are up on stage with their families. Every so often, a wife or a daughter will act out, and the staff member will smack ‘em up. Right there on stage. Just a light beating. The press will go wild, but when they interview the person, she blames herself and offers an apology. The staff member graciously forgives her and they are family once again. In the end, it’s a real feel good family story with a few sniffles and tears.

I think after three or four of these events, the public will be “recalibrated” to accept a little bit of domestic violence from a candidate with political strength and unwavering courage; a candidate determined to restore America's family values--one beating at a time.

Good luck, and if I can be of further service, please do let me know.

Yours verily,

Darryl
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