Our new man in Iraq

Sen. Jeff Miller
Tennessee State Senate

Dear Sen. Miller,

You're a fighter. You didn't hide out in your office when your brother came out as a homosexual. Instead, you fought back by growing a beard, having an extra-marital affair, and sponsoring legislation to institutionalize discrimination against homosexuals. It was a smart move--no one would ever expect a bearded, homophobic, philanderer of being anything other than heterosexual.

I'm glad to hear that you haven't stopped fighting. You aren't letting the Bradley News Weekly get away with publishing an article that embarrassed you. While it may have upset your wife when you brought your girlfriend (the other woman) with you to sign your divorce settlement papers, the newspaper was wrong to point out the irony of an activist Christian politician doing such a thing. Your bullying of their advertisers is completely justified. They deserve to be threatened by a public official. It will teach them to respect the power of the state.

You showed a lot of character by the way you handled these situations. You also demonstrated a skill set that would be very useful in the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People.

You've probably read some of the stories about how we're teaching the Iraqis about freedom by bribing their press. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out very well. Iyad Allawi's humiliating defeat in the recent elections is proof of that. Bribing the press was a huge waste of money.

We need to do something different. We need to start threatening the journalists rather than bribing them, and with your recent experience, I think you're the perfect man for the job.

You will like it in Iraq. You'll feel right at home now that the Shia religious parties are in control. After all, they too grew beards and persecuted homosexuals to prove their heterosexuality.

Now that you're free, you might also consider marrying that girlfriend of yours. You can have sex then. I think you'll like that too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot