A crime spree in Lawrence

Phil Kline
Kansas Attorney General

Dear Mr. Kline,

In less than two months, the city of Lawrence will briefly become the crime capitol of Kansas. Much of that criminal activity will be occur within a single city block, or more specifically in the parking lots and under the bleachers of Lawrence High School.

You see, LHS holds it's annual prom in April. We both know what occurs at such events. Proms are little more than a fornicator's olympics where everyone except the Young Republican Club chairman gets a gold medal.

Considering your recent efforts to round up teenage fornicators, don't you think it would be a good time to start infiltrating Lawrence High School in preparation for the prom? You could even do it yourself and thereby bring some much-needed attention to your important work.

Sure, it wouldn't be easy--there aren't many balding sophomores--but the publicity you'd get, as well as the side benefit of having a second opportunity to finally be accepted by the cool kids, would be well worth the effort.

Think about it. You'd have six weeks to catch the eye of the head cheerleader. Then when she goes for the gold on prom night, you can arrest her personally as the Action Eyewitness Kansas Today News 5 team comments on it, live. After that, you could lead your Special Anti-Fornication Squad into the parking lots and under the bleachers rounding up every last fornicating freshman. It might even make the O'Reilly factor if you can catch a couple engaging in a little falafel and loofah action.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot