Strangling big government like it's a sassy mistress

Rep. Don Sherwood
U.S. House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sherwood,

I understand that you're having a little trouble raising money from individual donors. My guess is that they may be afraid that you might break into their homes and strangle them. We need to turn that around.

One of the things I've learned from watching Karl Rove's campaigns is that you have to turn your weaknesses into strengths while doing the opposite to your opponent. An example of this kind of transformation occurred in 2004, when Mr. Rove remade Our Leader, an AWOL draft avoider, into a war hero and his opponent, a decorated Vietnam veteran, into a coward.

You need to do the same kind of thing by turning your penchant for strangling into a selling point. Perhaps you could run ads with tag lines like "Don Sherwood will strangle big government like it's a sassy mistress" or "Don Sherwood believes in family values, so much so that he's willing to strangle his mistress in their defense."

If that doesn't work, you might consider playing on a redemption theme with something like, "Don Sherwood: he hasn't strangled anyone in over sixteen months," or "Don Sherwood: he doesn't strangle people anymore." It's a powerful theme. Our Leader continues to use it effectively with his many "I no longer drink; I just fall down a lot" statements.

Please give it a try. I'm sure you'll see some movement in your fundraising.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot