Bringing the war home

Richard Thompson
Chief of Police, Dillingham AK

Dear Chief Thompson,

We can't all fight on the Iraq Front of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. Some of us have to serve here at home on the Domestic Front.
I salute you for being one of the few, the proud, and the brave who've chosen to do just that.

Some might say that a small town like Dillingham (pop. 2,400) wouldn't rank very high on Saddam bin Laden's list of targets, but we know better. The Mus-Coms know that they can destroy us only if they destroy our values first. That's why a small town in rural Alaska is such an inviting target. Small rural towns like Dillingham are the last places where traditional Heartland values are still cherished.

Thank God you're prepared. When the Mus-Coms come to Dillingham, they'll be met by 80 surveillance cameras. That's one camera for every 30 Dillinghamanians. With the possible exception of the racing lawnmower trailer bought by Texas authorities, I don't think there's been a wiser use of Homeland Security funding.

Some might wonder how a six-man police force could monitor eighty cameras and still find time for doughnuts. But you've solved that problem by giving the job to the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. With a single click, they can take a break from their jingoistic ranting and scarf down a handful of Cheetos while scanning your docks for brown people wearing ninja outfits.

Thanks again for all you do keeping the rest of us secure.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Michelle.