He paints cartoon characters with liquid light

Thomas Kinkade
Painter of Light

Dear Mr. Kinkade,

I've been a big fan of your Christ-centered artwork for many years. Pieces like Faith Mountain and Sunrise Bear convinced me that you had reached the absolute pinnacle of your work as an artist, establishing your place in the world of art forever.

Then you surprised me by becoming a performance artist and activist. I now realize that painting and sculpture are only a small part of the contribution you will make to art and culture. Indeed, if your first performance art piece is any indication of your future work, it is the thing for which you will be most remembered. Indeed, your activism-oriented performance art may very well earn you the title of the greatest artist of all time.

Your first effort was absolutely magnificent. When you peed on Winnie the Pooh, you issued a statement so eloquent in its simplicity, it made all the pro-family, anti-cartoon-character work of good men like Jerry Falwell and James Dobson seem amateurish in comparison. Your single act exposed the relationship Winnie has with Eeyore for the sick, depraved, ugly thing it truly is. If only your predecessors had been so effective against Tinky Winky and Spongebob, we may have never had to deal with Bob the Builder or Dora the Explorer.

I pray that you will continue your performance art activism. Tinky Winky and Spongebob remain popular, perhaps it's time to deal them a final blow.

I'm looking forward to your next piece.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot