More mockery of our most cherished Heartland values

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

Once again, the coastal elitists are mocking one of our most cherished Heartland values. Two of the frenchiest bloggers on the internets, Lafayette and LacDeChienDuFeu referred to a television program in which Washington Post Blogger for Our Leader Ben Domenech discussed his homeschooling experience. The object of their derision seems to be a quote that could be creatively interpreted to be an admission by Mr. Domenech that he went all the way with his mother.

Now, while having such a relationship with one's mother is not as common in the Heartland as "marrying" one's sister or cousin, it's pretty easy to imagine the circumstances that may have brought it about--you're kicking back with mom, watching your worn out copy of Red Dawn on the betamax, and at the part where Patrick Swayze brings down a Soviet Hind-D chopper with an RPG, you notice that his hips move in the same way they moved in the final scene of Dirty Dancing. The thought of Swayze gyrating wildly to pop music awakens something very primal within you. With a quick glance toward your mother, you see that she is also obviously having similar thoughts. At that moment Swayze yells "Wolverines!" mother and son are overwhelmed with passion.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's something very understandable to those of us whose hearts live in the Heartland. Such patriotic, family-oriented reactions are encoded in our moral DNA. We cannot resist them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot