Protecting Pastor Wildmon

Rusty Benson
Associate Editor, American Family Association Journal

Dear Mr Benson,

I understand that you, Pastor Wildmon, and my old friend, Ed Vitagliano, are planning to go on a tour* of homosexual bathhouses. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. You just don't know what could happen when you have a room full of naked homosexuals working their mojo on you. Heck, you could be standing there one moment reading from Leviticus and the next thing you know you wake up naked, sore, hungover, and sticky with the words "I command the General" (or...uhhh...something like that) tattooed in big, bold letters on your butt.

If you're determined to go into those places anyway, I'd suggest that you take precautions to make you less desirable to the clientele. Leslee J. Unruh of the Abstinence Clearinghouse has done some great thinking along those lines. She opposes funding a vaccine for genital warts (a leading cause of cervical cancer) because she says it will lessen the fear women have about engaging in premarital sex.

I'm thinking that you might want to instill the same kind of fear into those bathhouse homosexuals you're going to meet. Think about it, you show up with raging cases of genital and anal warts and nobody's going to want to touch you.

Stop by my compound before your tour, and my adjutant, Col. Cletis, will assist you in acquiring the warts. All I ask is that you don't believe a word Cletis says about where he got them. He's a damned liar!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Don't miss the audio clip in the top right corner.

A helmet tip to Sam Seder.