This is the operative statement

Josh Bolten
White House Chief of Staff

Dear Mr. Bolten,

It's going to be tough finding a replacement for Scott McClellen as the White House Press Secretary. All the most loyal candidates are busy avoiding indictments or surfing teenspace.com in the hopes of hooking up during the next Homeland Security drill.

Still, there are two names you should consider. The first one is god-fearing former Washington Post blogger Ben Domenech. He's already proven that he doesn't worry about things like facts or truth if they stand in the way of his objectives. And although he's fairly young and inexperienced, he could always respond to reporter's questions with answers lifted from transcripts of Ron Ziegler's press conferences. Heck, after nearly six years of Ari and Scott, the phrase, "This is the operative statement; the others are inoperative," could probably get him through the rest of Our Leader's second term all by itself.

The second candidate is Jeff Gannon. He's already familiar with the Briefing Room and given his frequent overnight stays at White House, even more acquainted with other parts of the West wing and, perhaps, the East wing as well. He also seems to have the kind of relationship with Mr. Rove that would allow for a bit of man on man disciplinary action if Karl ever got off message. Best yet, he's use to hanging around with a bunch of whores, so he'd be just as comfortable at a staff meeting or fundraiser as he'd be at press gaggle--they're all his kind of people.

Now that I think about it, there's another person you should consider: Tom DeLay. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to beat the living hell out of Helen Thomas.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot