Unintended Consequences

Rep. G. Ralph Davenport, Jr.
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Davenport,

It's hard for a conservative state legislature to get any attention these days. I mean with Rick Santorum titillating the public with tales of forbidden man-dog love, Michelle Malkin endorsing concentration camps, and Ann Coulter commanding her patriotic Yellow Elephant Sturmtruppen to beat up dissenters, it's hard to come up with an idea outrageous enough to spark public interest. But I think you might have something with your bills to outlaw dildoes and send drug law violators to foreign prisons. Certainly, these bills will get you all the attention you deserve.

But as great as these bills sound, I have to wonder if they might have some unintended consequences you may not have considered. That's especially true now that Rush Limbaugh has been arrested for a drug crime and Director of Central Intelligence Porter Goss is rumored to be a guy who likes lobbyist-sponsored coke and harlot parties.

Doing time in foreign prisons isn't easy. They're very violent places, almost as bad as Guantanamo or our secret Eastern European prisons. Rush isn't going to like it. The only thing he has to look forward to is the prospect of having a glowstick violently shoved up his ass, something he once called a "harmless fraternity prank" and a fun thing fratboys did to blow off a little steam.

My concern is that the G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Dildo Elimination Act of 2006 might catch on in some of these countries where we're sending drug violators like Rush. If that happens, glowsticks used for these kinds of "fraternity pranks" might be considered to be so dildo-like in use that they would become prohibited items. What would Rush have to look forward to then?

That's why I think you should amend G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Dildo Elimination Act of 2006 to allow for dildo-like objects used to sodomize drug violators in prisons. And while you're at it, you might want to amend the G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Drug Violator Torture Act of 2006 to include violent criminals as well. Sure, drug violators are worse, but heck, why not throw in murderers while you're at it. Just be careful to keep the exemption for white-collar criminals. We can't have the House Republican Caucus meeting in a Turkish prison. It wouldn't be seemly. The Turks sing their anthem in a foreign language.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot