Harlotmongering in the name of national security

Kyle Foggo
Executive Director of the Central Intelligence Agency

Dear Dusty,

It pains me to see one tentacle of our state security apparatus suffer from bad decision making when another tentacle has the ability to assist them. That's why I'm writing you to ask you to help the Pentagon's Counter Intelligence Field Activity (CIFA) find a way to meet its obligations.

You see, CIFA has been reading my blog, Jesus' General, for nearly two years without compensating me. Although I don't normally require, or even expect, payment from my readers--the simple knowledge that my work is appreciated is enough for me--I make an exception for organizations that are entrusted with black budgets. Indeed, if CIFA can award multi-million dollar contracts to companies like MZM for no other reason than it allows a congressmen to live on a yacht, then heck, they could throw a few bucks my way.

A few months ago, I asked CIFA to compensate me by buying me a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System with all of the accessories for each. I even provided them with the address to my Amazon wish list. After waiting a few weeks without receiving any kind of response, I repeated my request to their boss, Stephen A. Cambone, Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence. Unfortunately, he hasn't responded either.

I can only guess at their reasons for failing to get back to me, but I suspect that it's because they aren't familiar with using Amazon wish lists. If that's the case, I need to find a different way for them to compensate me. That's where you come in. You've worked with some of their contractors in the past. Indeed, I'm told that your contacts with people like Brent Wilkes got you promoted from a mid-level procurement job to the Executive Director's office at the CIA.

Anyway, I'm wondering if you could use your contacts with Wilkes's to get him and CIFA to throw me a few of those harlot parties like the ones he threw for all those Congressmen and your boss, Mr. Goss.

Now, I know harlotry is usually considered sinful, but the way I see it, CIFA would merely be compensating me for all the intelligence they've gleamed from my blog--I'd be harlot boneing for our national security, just like the Congressmen. That certainly can't be considered a sin.

So what do you think? Can you give CIFA a hand in meeting its obligations?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot