I want a serious Senator

Mike McGavick
Candidate for US Senate

Dear Mr. McGavick,

A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I support Sen. Maria Cantwell's re-election effort. They think that I must support her because she houses my uterus. That simply isn't the case. I'm a McGavick man, and I mean that in the most heterosexual kind of way.

We can't afford to keep Democrats like Cantwell in the Senate. When they aren't bitching about how Our Leader protects us from terrorists by listening to our phone calls and creating dossiers on us, they're whining about how he wants to jail the press or how he looks the other way when Deputy Leader Dick shoots someone in the face or betrays intelligence agents. Cantwell takes it even further by taunting Sen Ted Stevens about the ANWAR until he cries.

By doing so, she mocks our founding fathers, all of whom firmly believed that the Senate should act as a rubber stamp for a monarchial-minded executive.

Worse yet, she's always promoting silly legislation about things like energy independence and global warming. I think this kind of silliness is what I hate most about her.

You're her exact opposite. You look at a problem our nation faces and respond with a serious plan to correct it. Nothing illustrates this better than your approach to thwarting Iran's nuclear ambitions by kicking Iran out of the World Cup. It's a brilliant plan. Soccer is where these brown people live. Take that away from them and before you know it, they'll be pounding their nuclear ambitions into Wal-Mart shares.

Your plan will also help our standing in the community of nations. God knows the World Soccer Federation is just begging for an opportunity to do our bidding. Commanding them to do so will earn us a tremendous amount of international respect.

I can't wait for your next brilliant idea. Have you considered ending the Iraq insurgency by denying exports of Twister to Muslim countries?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Carl has the inside scoop on Sen. Steven's upcoming anti-Cantwell ad.

Note: My inner Frenchman thinks you should read all of thehim's post. He says it's the best description of the Israeli/Palestinian problem he's read anywhere. My inner Frenchman is wrong, of course, because we know it's all about end-times prophecy.