A medal for Mr. Goss

Linda M. Springer
Director, U.S. Office of Personnel Management
Chair, Presidential Rank Award Distinguished Review Board

Dear Mrs. Springer,

You may have heard that Porter Goss resigned as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. You might also recall that his predecessor, George Tenet, was awarded the Presidential Medal for Freedom for ignoring the reports of CIA analysts who concluded that Iraq did not possess weapons of mass destruction. Certainly, Mr. Goss deserves to receive the medal as well for purging those same analysts from the agency.

Although receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom is a great honor in itself--it places you in the ranks of such great men as L. Paul Bremer, Charlton Heston, Robert McNamara, and Doris Day--Mr. Goss should get a little something extra for his work in turning the CIA into an arm of the Republican National Committee.

Porter lost a lot when he left congress and, even more, when resigned from the CIA. It'll be much harder for him now to pursue his greatest passion in life, harlot-schtuping. Let's face it, who's going to offer free hookers at the Watergate to a guy who can't reciprocate by awarding a big black-budget contract? The only cost-free fornication Porter's going to get to enjoy now is whatever he can scam from the ladies at 5th and K, and he's going to need to show a little flash to fool those old pros.

That's why I'm urging the Presidential Rank Award Distinguished Review Board to issue a specially designed Presidential Medal of Freedom for Mr. Goss, one that will proclaim to the world that ladies love the Portster. I'm including a redesign of the medal that I believe will do just that. At least, the same design on my mudflaps does it for me. Anyway, I think it does. Everybody's always telling me that they think my mudflaps are very heterosexual. Then they smile and let out a little laugh. I'm sure they're thinking about all the play my mudflaps get me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot