Fido doesn't live here anymore

Sen. Rick Santorum
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Santorum,

You're down 23 points in the latest polling. Perhaps it's time to reconsider how you're handling the controversy surrounding your place of residence. People just aren't buying your claim that you live in a house that has no curtains or furniture.

If I were you, I'd start telling people that you lived in a van down by the river. That way, no one could check up on you. If anyone tried, all you'd need to say is that you move your van every day because hobos are constantly trying to steal the mason jar in which you've interred your little fetus-American.

I'd buy it. God damned hobos.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Ok, ok, ok, I admit it. I ignored my instincts and went a bit overboard on this post. For those of you who are horrified that I sent this to Santorum, don't worry. I didn't. I'm out of town again (I'm starting to really hate hotels) and for reasons I won't get into here, I never email these things while I'm on the road--I wait until I get home. I won't be mailing this one.

But I still think Murtha's a traitor and Kline is blameless.