We must destroy Gitmo in order to save it

Rear Admiral Harry B. Harris, Jr.
Commander, JTF-Guantanamo

Dear Adm. Harris,

I don't envy you. Commanding the Gitmo Center for Eternal Detention has to be one of the toughest jobs in the military. You constantly have to match wits with the meanest, most devious goatherds, falafel vendors, and taxi drivers on the planet.

I think you've correctly identified the cause of the recent rash of suicides at Gitmo. Our internal enemies, abetted by the media, would have us believe that the suicides were acts of extreme desperation committed by men driven insane by torture and isolation. But you know better. These suicides, as you told The Telegraph, were nothing less than "an act of asymmetric warfare waged against us."

So now the truth is out. Camp Delta is under siege and the enemy is in the wire. I've seen a situation like this before. It was in the movie, The Green Berets. If you've seen it, you may recall the scene where the firebase is overrun by Viet Cong and John Wayne responds in the only way he can; he calls in Puff the Magic Dragon to make an airstrike on his own position. That's what you must do, now. You need to destroy Gitmo in order to save it. I hope you're up to the task.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah.