Packing heat in the House

Rep. Wallace Scarborough
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Scarborough,

I don't know what this country's coming to. In the old days, a legislator could take a few shots at a couple of utility workers and nobody would give a damn. Now, they arrest you for it.

Well, at least you were lucky enough to retain Rep. Altman as your attorney. He's a fighter. I'll never forget the time when he took on the bonobo lobby and passed legislation criminalizing their disgusting sexual practices.

Still, I'm not sure I agree with the approach he's taking. He started out right. Demanding an apology from South Carolina Electric and Gas for causing you to shoot at their employees was a good opening move. But I think it was a mistake to claim that the gun was fired by accident. It just doesn't seem to ring true considering that you're a Citadel graduate with an A grade from the National Rifle Association. You obviously know how to handle a firearm.

Perhaps a better approach would be to claim that the SCE&G workers snuck up behind you while you were hunting quail. You could say your dog flushed a bird, you swung around, fired, and almost shot one of them in the face. That's a defense that seems to work.

Of course, you could always tell the truth. The SCE&G workers were dark brown, weren't they? If that's the case, there isn't a jury in the Heartland that'd convict you. There isn't anything in the world that scares a man like you and me more than the thought of dark brown men running around our neighborhood. For all you knew, those two might have been sneaking around your yard, looking for an opportunity to make off with your women.

Best of luck on your trial.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot